We all know how annoying it can be to spend a few hours with your significant other’s family, play mini golf with your cousin, or sit through a lecture about proper comma use. But what if you could do something in less than five minutes that would significantly improve your experience? What, you ask, might that be? Why, whiskey, of course! Whiskey has proven to improve the following activities.
For centuries, writers have been using whiskey to produce some of the most thought-provoking work. Dylan Thomas, a poet from Wales, was known to imbibe eighteen whiskeys in a row. Now, I can’t promise that drinking whiskey will help you write your next masterpiece—but let’s just remember that it might help you “rage against the dying of the light,” which is necessary if you are trying to make it as a writer.
Dinner with Your Significant Other’s Family
Look, just trust me. Dinner with your significant other’s family is always weird. In between an old lady asking you about your heritage and a 13-year-old boy trying to kiss you, you can relax by bringing along the whiskey. There are many benefits to bringing whiskey to your significant other’s family dinner: you can actually laugh at her father’s jokes, you can make friends with the bartender (and maybe get free drinks later on), you can pretend not to absolutely hate your life, you can quietly think of awesome ways to escape without being noticed.
I don’t condone drinking and studying, but let’s be serious…I do condone it. If you have to sit through another lecture about how to use your local library, how to plant a community garden, or why you should invest in gold overseas, it might be a good idea to drink whiskey. Once you’ve thoroughly downed enough whiskey to sit still, you might be able to learn something. For example, did you know that 72% of Americans have library cards? Now, if you drank whiskey, you would have known that I made that statistic up.
The next time someone invites you to the latest Woody Allen or Coen Brothers film, do yourself the biggest favor of your life and drink whiskey before you leave the house. Once you reach the movies, you’ll be warm and toasty and ready for a nap. And, if you drink enough whiskey, you might even be able to sleep through the whole movie like my mom did during “Toy Story.” It’ll be worth it in the end. Plus, your friends will talk about the movie enough that you won’t miss a thing.
Don’t take my word for it. Just try it. But don’t get caught and don’t blame me! You’re on your own, kid. But really, depending on the type of job you have, whiskey might not be able to improve anything. You should still try, though; it’s worth a shot.
After scouring Match, Chemistry, or eHarmony, it’s time to go on that first date. Your game plan should be as follows: pick out an outfit, but don’t make it too sexy because you don’t want to give off the wrong impression. Pick out simple jewelry, but don’t overdo it because you don’t want him to think you’re rich. Then put on a pair of flats if you’re tall and heels if you’re short. Once that’s done, throw on some makeup, but, before you leave the house, make sure you take a sip of some whiskey.
Once you get the bar/club/5-star restaurant, you will be drunk enough to look like you’re having a good time. And, if you drink enough, you might actually have a good time, although nothing is a guarantee, especially on a first date. Whiskey, in addition to helping you have fun, can also help you find Mr. or Ms. Right. Once your partner-to-be sees how freaking awesome you are, and once you pull out your fresh bottle of whiskey, the rest will be history.
Sometimes, it’s just over. And if you know it’s over, you might as well bring the whiskey along. Don’t worry about the rest; I’ve got it covered. The first thing you need to do is prepare a little speech. Not the whole “It’s not you” thing because, let’s face it, it probably is their fault. So try something subtler. You might want to start with something like “I’ve been thinking about moving.” From there, you can make up the rest. Depending on where you live, you can either outright lie (i.e. “I’m moving to Alaska! I got a job!), or you can say a less serious lie: (My parent’s are moving and I’m going with them), then, when you get caught, you can be like “Oh, well, they decided not to move. So here I am!”
Your next step is to pull out the whiskey. Immediately, pour yourself a glass and drink it quickly. Pour your soon-to-be-ex-significant-other a glass of whiskey as well. Once they’ve finished their glass, pour them another one. Watch them cry. Check the time. If it’s not too late, you can pour them another glass and sit there while they either yell at you or cry. If they yell at you, you can speed things up by looking at your phone, exclaiming that your grandmother’s ill and you must go, and then leave. But if they’re crying, just be nice. Let them cry. That’s all one option.
The other option is to be honest. Obviously, you’ll definitely need the whiskey. So if you want to be honest, drink at least two whiskey drinks before you begin, and then go ahead, tell them the truth. After, you might just be drunk enough that you don’t really care about the repercussions.
If your friend has been begging you to go with her to a new meditation circle and you’ve been dreading it, you now have a chance to kill two birds with one stone. If you drink whiskey before you meditate, you can be sure that your meditation session will be stellar. While your friend is tripping out about the blue aura that she felt, you can groove on a more physical kind of drunk—the real kind, the manly kind, and the kind that will bring your meditation to a new level. And why stop there? With whiskey, you can improve other spiritual activities like yoga, Rolfing, reiki, and even acupuncture.
You know how they say that college is the best time of your life? They only say that because of whiskey. Whiskey has long been known as the elixir of life to the elite college-goers. Don’t waste your time drinking vodka, beer, or jungle juice; do the right thing and impress your peers. All facets of college can be improved with whiskey—from classes and dance parties to school projects and meetings with your advisor, you can make any day extraordinary with whiskey.
No one really talks about how much Tuesdays suck. But, usually, they suck, and the only way to remedy their suckiness is through whiskey. Whiskey can turn a boring sit-at-home-and-watch-movies Tuesday into the best Tuesday of your life. Think about it. You’re sitting at home watching Lifetime. Your mom calls to ask how you’re doing, you say you’re fine and then you hang up. You’re bored. I know it.
Now think about it. You’re sitting there watching Lifetime movies. You pour yourself a shot of whiskey. Just then, a group of ninjas come into your house looking for stolen gold. You fend them off, but end up losing a hand in the process. You open the bottle of whiskey with your still-attached hand and numb the pain of your lost hand. Then you sit back down and the phone rings. It’s your mom calling to ask how you’re doing.
You say you’re fine and you hang up. Right after you hang up, your friend busts down your door and explains that he is running from the cops. You jump up, grab your friend, swing your 300-foot rope to the next apartment, and you pulley yourselves to freedom George-of-the-jungle style. Look at that. Tuesday is no longer a regular Tuesday. When you go to work the next day, just tell everyone that your hand was eaten by a shark; it’ll be more believable. Just open the bottle of whiskey and see what I mean. Go on, do it!
No matter what you’re doing when you have a cold, you can improve it by drinking whiskey. Whether you’re watching your fifth Netflix documentary in a row, typing up a term paper, or trying to fall asleep, whiskey is basically your best friend. A great way to drink whiskey when you have a cold is to mix it with hot water, honey, and lemon. This can help you feel better in no time. Come to think of it, even when you don’t have a cold, you can still tell people that you have a cold so you can sit at home and drink.
Whether you’re going in for your first cavity or your twelfth root canal, you need some help. Sip on some whiskey before you go so that you don’t have to live with all that pain. Whiskey is also great right after the dentist. Don’t even try to eat that burger and fries, stick to the whiskey and numb your mouth.
Your Friend’s Dance Recital/Play/Poetry Reading
If you’re a whiskey drinker, you probably like to support your friends. Well, that’s kind of presumptuous. I hope that you like to support your friends, but I know how boring it can be. After begrudgingly going to your friend’s play and suffering through it, you will win multiple brownie points. But next time you go to a play, bring a flask of whiskey. It’ll be fun—you can play a drinking game: every time someone messes up his or her lines, you have to take a shot. After about five minutes, you’ll be good and drunk.
Your Boring Life
I know you love video games, spending time with your cat, and dreaming about Anna Kournikova, but there are better ways to spend your time. The moment that you purchase whiskey, it will seem as though an angel has come down from the sky and deemed you The Coolest Person On Earth. Within mere seconds, flocks of women and men alike will run to your side—each wanting to audition to become the Best Friend of The Coolest Person On Earth. Alas, you can only pick one best friend, so choose the one who is drinking the best whiskey: they know what they’re doing. Not only will you have more friends, but you will immediately be better dressed, your hair will be sleek and shiny, and you will have some type of accent. From there, everything else in your life will improve. Remember that book by Dr. Seuss The Places You’ll Go? He was talking about you, you sexy whiskey drinker. And trust me, the places you’ll go are paved with luxury.
The moral of the story is that just about anything that you’re doing can be improved by drinking whiskey.